Ridiculous are those who think that anything lasts forever at all. Everything that has a beginning will have an end. Even things that seemingly don't have a start will somehow finish someday. Eternity. It lasts only as long as you want it to last. It can be something as fleeting as a few seconds, or something as painful as centuries. It all depends on a person's perception.

"That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons, even death may die."

Yeah yeah, that line is from the Necronomicon. Fiction it might be, but that is one frequently discussed couplet. Unfortunately, no, I have yet to read much of H.P. Lovecraft's works. I vaguely remember reading a collection of short stories years back. But aside from that, nopez. I intend to someday though. That reminds me too of an art book I've once chanced upon in Kino Orchard. Artwork of the Necronomicon. Itz beautiful, really. No kinda art I adore more than gothic art.

25min more to burn. Then I guess it'll be a night of raiding, assuming I get a raid spot. Yeah ~ till date, am STILL being passed over for others in guild even though am not exactly low on the dps meter. I can't deny that it upsets me still, to a certain extent... but guess someday I'll outgrow it. I should really learn to live by the principle that - the actions of people who do not matter, do not matter.

Blame it on a low self-esteem that I can never seem to shrug off I guess. Either that or a perfectionist attitude. Even if ppl claim that they don't expect stuff from me, it doesn't matter... coz I expect certain things of myself. Certain standards must be attained or I'll just feel... inadequate. A feeling that I'm getting alot these days. Am just unable to get things right at times. Am unable to respond appropirately, and am unable to reciprocrate sufficiently... resulting in a total destruction of mood and further lowering of my self esteem. Not to mention, it leads to sleepless nights. I'm just made this way I guess. I blame myself. What is there not to blame? Every action has to have a reaction. Being unable to control my emotions, being unable to rein my thoughts, is failure on my part.

TADAH!!

Fits snugly in the palm of my hand. Heh kinda like a stress ball but w/o the squishy texture. Just a regular stuffed toy. Caught sight of him in the Cold Storage @ Orchard when I was there with Wormy in search of sorbet and simply couldn't resist!! Took him home on the spot w/o much consideration (despite already having boxes of toys unpacked) and he now sits pretty amongst my other stuffed toys.

Yes, Bump is going to Greece. Am taking him of coz!! Mhmm yeah I know I know itz a period of economic downturn and I last resigned from my job as a legal sec in Aug last year. I should really be looking for a perm full-time instead of even thinking of going anywhere. But looking at things frm another angle, this is really the best time to do it. I am planning something like a 1 mth stay in Greece, visiting different areas & of coz the Greek Islands. Main intention is to visit the ruins. Face it, what are the chances of taking a mth off once I start working seriously? I know I won't be able to see all of Greece in 1 mth, so am thinking to visit as many places as I can and then perhaps go back to see the rest in shorter stints when I begin wrking.

Money is gonna be an issue. Such a trip wouldn't be cheap, I know. Am counting on the savings I've had since last year - those are alredi running dry. Am helping out @ a friend's dad's office in the meantime (just started work earlier today) and hopefully this will give me some spending $$ when I get there. Am also gonna keep my fingers crossed that my eyes would be fully healed by then. Itz still kinda blurry now and I forgot to take the medication b4 I left the house earlier - hopefully 1 day wouldn't make a difference.

This eye problem is certainly worse than what I initially thought. Had to end up visiting a private specialist and trust me, the consultation fees are really wtf. Each session will set me behind at least $150. My next appointment is the upcoming Monday. Ugh I just hope that'll be the last one for a while... maybe something like a follow-up in 3 mths time just to check on the progress. Will go flat broke at this rate. No wonder parents want their kids to become doctors and lawyers when grown up - 2 of the largest money-sucking professions imo. *nod nod* legal fees for my divorce are wtf too... which reminds me, better contact Ben and chase him for the rental he has been owing me for like 1 year now. Those few k will definitely be welcome for my upcoming Greece escapade.

Mhmm... me and Wormy have been together for close to 6 mths now, but *sigh* somehow I just don't feel secure. He's asked before - if I lack faith in him, or in myself. I guess itz both.

I've had people who told me they'd never leave, leave me eventually. I've had people who lie & keep things from me. I've had people who made so many promises but end up not fulfilling any. How can I possibly bring myself to fully trust another person? He claims he won't leave. Yeah ~ big deal. So have others before him. He claims he'll never lie or keep anything from me. The question really is - if I'd ever find out, thatz all. Itz June now. His "ex-gf" is returning from overseas. He says that r/s is over... and that he'll never go back to her. Really? Can I trust that? I dunno. There's always the possibility that she'll look him up again & initiate a patch back. If that happens, what are the odds of him staying with me? They were close, really close (photos that I've seen still on his lappy then proved that). What is 6 mths with me compared to > 6yrs with her?

*sigh* wish I'd never gone thru the folders in his laptop. Wish I'd never seen the pictures that I've seen. Itz just so goddamn hard to ignore & totally impossible to forget. Those images come back to haunt me time & again. I just can't help it. What's the big deal with photos, u may think. Well just put it this way ~ they aren't photographs that u'll show anyone else unless u are an exhibitionist. He claims he no longer feels anything for her. Bullshit. How can a person possibly "not feel anything" for his 1st love? The 1st female he ever had, the 1st female he ever fcked? Besides, if he doesn't feel anything more... why are her photographs all over his laptop and his portable harddisk?

Blahhh ~ why do I always end up with guys with such a heavy past. I don't deny that my own past is difficult to accept, but itz obvious that I've moved on. In his case, it's still a huge question mark. tbh, I've asked myself - if I'm feeling this insecure, why am I still together with him? Well thatz coz I really want this to work out. Admittedly there are times that I feel like just walking away. I just dun wanna face that kinda hurt anymore. Am sick & tired of it. Plus I don't like feeling inadequate. It always seems that I'm not good enough. I hate that.

*sigh* maybe am better off alone afterall, but guess, knowing myself, I won't back out even if it means being @ the losing end once again.